1/8

Erm ok (.) erm (0.5) er (.) hi there (2) this is er me (0.5) and it’s er, going to be my, er (.) my, my record for (1) for (1) for (0.5) posterity (0.5) for (.) basically (.) well, I don’t know (2) so, d- (0.5) day one (.) day one (.) what’s been happening [tape stops][tape starts] ?well? (.) I thought it was alopecia at first, because ?well?, that’s what happens with alopecia (0.5) the, the, there’s hair loss (.) but well anyway (.) this was a lot of hair loss (.) and it was during the course of one night (.) so-ho-ho:::: (.) I woke up and basically had a ?wig? on my pillow (.) anyway it was a bit like The Ring (.) you remember that horror film? (.) anyway so, other things I’ve been noticing (2) it’s basically anything made of hair (.) my fingernails are •hhhh getting loose, for want of another word (.) ?black (.) it’s only from my middle (.) my middle finger to my thumb at the moment (0.5) my little finger and my ring finger are (.) more or less, ok (0.5) and I’m hoping to keep it that way (0.5) toe nails also (.) not so good the::re (.) teeth (0.5) they’re enamel I guess (0.5) not hair although (.) ??rhino’s?? horns are made of hair (0.5) teeth are sort of (.) I was eating cereal this morning I noticed a bit of kind of ?blood? on the spoon so I looked in the (.) mirror and well again (.) again it’s more of a (0.5) ?loosening? (0.5) nothing’s falling out (.) nothing’s falling out (.) but the there’s blood (.) I would say about, about a •hh about a thimble full of blood (.) when I spat it out (2) but usually I, I’ve just been swallowing it (.) but I can wobble my teeth if I (.) hang on a second and (.) igh (.) I put my fingers aa aha, a han (.) and hagh (0.5) and (.) ?woggle woggle woggle woggle woggle? (.) and it was quite ?°frightening°? at first [tape stops]

2/8

Hi there (.) so •hh this is day two, and (.) and I realised last time I didn’t give you a date or a da:::y, so today is (.) for the records today (.) is the Monday twelfth of September 1992 (.) and there have been some significant developments on (.) this (.) end (.) of (.)?ye:::ah? (0.5) so (2) what’s been happening, well ().5) I’ve been looking in the mirror a lot (.) looking in the mirror a lot (.) and wondering what has (happened) to my ears. Yes indeed, I seem to have misplaced them (0.5) for want of a better word (2) they were sticking out a bit anyway, er (.) I guess (.)?since my hair went? (0.5) I suppose so it was a bit of a relief (0.5) to get rid of them (3) the right one went first and uh, mm (0.5) it didn’t really hurt [tape stops][tape starts] well it hurt a little bit (1.5) there wasn’t much blood involved (1.5) I was listening to Johnny Cash of all people and off came the right ear basically (2.5) I haven’t been keeping the bits (1.5) I kind of (1) like the idea of fre(h)aking out the-heh-heh (0.5) dustbin(h)in man (.) the the the the left ear went a couple of da (.) days later (1) so anyway I decided it’s time to get myself a hat [tape stops]

3/8

Well now (.) I suppose going to the (0.5) ?doctor’s? is off the cards (.) because, well my right leg is (.) gone (2) I could call them I suppose (.) the doctor’s (1) I’ve still got enough fingers left [cough][cough][cough][cough] yeah this is Thursday fifteenth of September (.) yeah (.) anyway I could call the doctor’s but er (.) but I don’t like talking on the phone (0.5) I don’t like, erm (0.5) not being able to see the person I’m talking to (.) directly (.) but yeah, cause (.) you know, going to the doctor’s is more or less off the cards because it’s the foot I use for the accelerator (0.5) and I’d have to drive (2) I’ve stopped sleeping too (.) more or less (0.5) I do fall asleep occasionally (0.5) when it gets too much (.) I just (unintelligible) fall asleep (.) but I don’t like to have breaks (.) in being awake (0.5) because when I (.) I don’t know what I’ll find gone (.) when I wake up (2) yesterday I dozed off when was watching Celebrity Fear Factor (.) and I woke up and found that three of my teeth had fallen out [tape stops]

4/8

There are ways (0.5) I’ve found of keeping myself awake (0.5) I draw patterns (.) on table tops with (.) with the fingers I have left (.) I pick at the wallpaper (.) I think of all the times we made love right after we ?argued? (.) a ?lot? (.) I watch television (0.5) although I wonder if it’ll be (1) much longer before I have no eyes left to watch it with (2) my left leg came off (.) at the kneecap (0.5) before it came away at the thigh (0.5) there’s erm (.) there’s nothing much happens before (.) •hhh, erm (.) before, before they come off (1) •hhhh (0.5) nothing (.) nothing massive (.) nothing (1) monumental for want of a better word (1) just a kind of deep ache (.) does that make sense? Erm (.) erm, ok (0.5) I haven’t been sleeping but I’ve been lying in bed (.) before the second leg went of course I (0.5) I brought a shit load of sardine cans (0.5) and some Nairns Oatcakes (.) put them in a (.) a pretty big box (.) one of (0.5) of the brown flat-pack ones we got last month at Ikea (.) knew they’d come in handy (0.5) put that next to my bed (.) felt like I was preparing for Armageddon (0.5) and since that (.) since then I’ve just been sitting up in bed (.) a lot (.) watching the telly (.) peeling the wallpaper (.)°thinking about all the sex° (.) doing all of that sitting up in bed (0.5) so I’ve been eating a lot of ?sardines lately? (0.5) to (0.5) they contain vitamin (0.5) vitamin D (2) °strengthens the bonds (.) between bones° (.) said on Wikipedia [tape stops]

5/8

Yeah (.) this is Wednesday twenty-first (.) sorry I forgot to say last time (.) it probably (.) it probably was Sunday eighteenth (0.5) or nineteenth or (.) yeah (2) eighteenth definitely (0.5) Well my eyes are still here (0.5) which is something (.) although I don’t really have (0.5) much of a nose any more (.) it’s not like (.) it’s not like I can’t (.) hear (0.5) or smell (.) any more, I mean these extremities (0.5) they’re not (1) they’re not particularly (unintelligible) they’re just (.) to kind of (0.5) welcome the sound (.) or the smell (.) into your body (0.5) so thinking about it like that (.) I haven’t (0.5) really lost anything (3) sounds echo a lot more now mind you (.) they, erm (0.5) things sound a lot (0.5) louder (2) Celebrity Fear Factor, the screams (.) are practically terrifying (5) my room smells (.) a bit like a fish Market (.) though I’m not sure whether its cause my nose is gone (0.5) and the holes are more sensitive (0.5) in that respect (0.5) or because (1) well, I haven’t been able to wash out the empty sardine tins (0.5) I guess (.) I can’t get to the (.) sink (0.5) it’s funny (.) but I’m not getting •hh sick of sardines and oatcakes (2) I mean if you think about it that’s all (.) you really (.) need to survive, I mean (0.5) if you think about it too (0.5) I mean, two fingers on each hand is really all you need to survive (0.5) I mean evolution- (.) -arily (2) -arily? (1) anyway eventually I’m sure we’ll not have legs (1) and we’ll eventually just o- only have two fingers on each hand (1) if that’s all you really need (1) evolution gets rid of everything you don’t need (.) so:: (1) one finger to change the channel (0.5) one finger (.) to hold the (.) sardine can while the other one (.) pulls up the ring (2) corned beef would be a bit more of a problem I suppose [tape stops]

6/8

I do wish I could change my bed sheets (0.5) they’re a bit (.) dirty (.) there’s certain things (0.5) come out of you (0.5) when you lose certain things (0.5) that I didn’t know we had in us (4) and I’ll tell you what else (0.5) there’s a dead spider mark on the bedclothes too (.) now (0.5) the other day on Celebrity Fear Factor (.) this celebrity was in a massive glass tank (.) with a shit load of tarantulas (0.5) I wouldn’t mind that (.) I’m having a job escaping from spiders as it is (.) in my state (.) and I’m not squeamish (2) the other day a bloody massive bugger pardon my French (0.5) ran across the bed (0.5) I didn’t flinch (1) the tiniest little body (.) the teeniest little body it had (.) I don’t know how all its organs could fit in there (0.5) so compact (.) so neat (.) such a bloody evolutionary work of genius (.) really (.) when you think about it (0.5) and the rest of it was just all legs (0.5) massive great long legs (0.5) they must have been about two inches long (.) these legs (.) and it was just °stalking across my bed° (.) like one of those things from that (0.5) °War of the Worlds° with °Tom Cruise° (5) ?creep??y? ?creep??y? ?creep??y? ?creep??y? ?creep??y? ?creep??y? ?creep??y? (.)°I shuffled (.) pretty quickly (0.5) over to the other side of the bed (0.5) where the bugger was kind of (.) sitting there (.) very still (.) in its little shadow (0.5) trying not to let me notice it (0.5) and I just (0.5) dragged myself over on the palms of my hands (.) and° (6) PAM squished it with the flat of my hand (1.5) it was a pretty good squash (2) pretty good aim (2) all of those long legs (1) came off (1) woe betide any more of those buggers that want to come into my bed [tape stops]

7/8

Three guesses what came off today (3) three guesses what I was ?doing? when it came off (3) haha (0.5) hahaha (0.5) •hhh this is one (0.5) •hhh this is (0.5) one (0.5) this is the one I’m really going to miss (.) a lot hehe (.) because, well (0.5) it was something to do with my time really (.) between Celebrity Fear Factors (0.5) and you don’t really need that many fingers to do it (1) you just need a fist (.) a palm (0.5) when you think about it (0.5) only one hand (3) to do it (0.5) the left arm has gone (0.5) I’m not really as (.) disappointed about that though as my dick (10) now (.) in other breaking news (0.5) I can’t get outside to (0.5) •hhh freak out the dustbin man with the (.) various bits and bobs any (.) any more (0.5) which is a drawback (.) but you know I was •hhh thinking about it (.) and now that both legs (0.5) are gone (.) and I have nowhere to put my bits and bobs (0.5) and I’ve got all these sardine cans (0.5) I mean what the fuck else am I going to do with them? (2) •hhh I fit my dick completely in one of them which was a bit humbling (0.5) and it looks pretty much like a sardine (0.5) if you want to compare it to something (0.5) little sardine dick (0.5) my mates in the shower used to call me that (2) °it’s funny how things come around° (2) and you made a comment once too (.) I remember [tape stops]

8/8